Sunday, May 30, 2010

I feel... NOTHING :(

Is it possible to begin to feel... nothing? I've become so numb and empty, and it's been a difficult, and very odd week. Confusing time for me... Change is inevitable, and is always happening. I know that happyness and sorrow...coexist. But where does numb and empty fit in there? Does the emotional body ever just shutdown to disallow a total breakdown? I guess I don't know the answer to that... In an odd and somewhat dazed state...

"sufferring is the most powerful catalist for change, growth, and wisdom."

Hmmmm...but again, where does numb fit in...??
Time for a change in paradigm...!! Badly needed!!


  1. Matt, dear Matthew, I wish with all my heart and soul that you feel peace and find hope and strength.

    Yes, it is possible to completely emotionally shutdown to prevent a total breakdown. I know. I’ve done it. Numb is a coping mechanism. Shutting down truly is the only way I survived emotionally for the last several years. Sometimes I wonder if I am still numb and out of it... I feel so empty and hollow sometimes. I was hurt. I emotionally shut myself off from the world. I didn’t allow myself to feel or express any emotion for fear that I would get hurt again. I am trying so incredibly hard right now to allow myself to feel and reach out to people. It is a struggle some days. But I am trying. I survived. I am not the same person I was. I am stronger now.

    I went through the motions of life and what I was supposed to be doing. It didn’t happen all at once, but I did one day realize that I was better. I believe that Temple attendance really helped me. I am an organist at the Portland Temple. I love just sitting in the chapel and playing the hymns for the two hours of my shift. It is soothing and strengthening. To study the words of God and listen to the music in the Temple is so uplifting. I would attend and do nothing but that and walk the grounds some days. There was a quote in church today that I can’t remember word for word and I only vaguely remember who said it, but the gist is: “There is no problem that can't be solved or made better by attending the Temple.” Even just taking a walk on the grounds can be a great centering moment of solace.

    Change will come. It is one of the sureties of life. Roll with it. Allow it to build you and turn you into a better man. Don’t let it wear you out or weigh you down. Don’t be hard on yourself. Everything will be all right. Remember and tap into the joy you expressed at the beginning of the week: the friendly faces, beautiful scenery and sunshine! Find something beautiful and focus on that. Keep looking for the joy and blessings that are in your life. Make some changes and seek for the good. Find a new path. Let hope lift you up for God will never forsake you and no trial lasts forever.

    Please don’t feel that these are empty platitudes. I mean them with all my heart. I am here. You are in my prayers. Have faith.

  2. I don't even know where to begin commenting on your blog Matt. I want to comment on every post. This one, for some reason compelled me to share my experience. Yes, numb does fit into the emotional body. Just as when our physical body gets injured and is enduring pain, often times one goes into shock, a comma or unconsciousness. This is our minds way of keeping us safe. It's actually a gift that our nervous system shuts down under immense amount of pain to spare us. When we experience emotional pain, we go through similar safety mechanisms. When the emotional pain is too great to bare, numbness kicks in to keep us safe. So many people have emotional breakdowns or they snap or they have a mental breakdown. I personally believe that is the brains way of saying, "I am in too much pain, I need a break from this." Just as it does when we suffer physical pain. From experience, time heals all wounds. I know this post was over a year ago, but I still found it very interesting and wanted to weigh in.
    BTW-this is Michelle:) (krainich being my old married name).

  3. Pink Floyds Comfortably Numb comes to mind, well not the drug use part. Obviously your post is quite old, but for me it is something I had felt recently. Of course the emotional body shuts down. I see this in a lot in my Reiki Jin Kei Do clients. We are in a constant emotional overload, most of the time it’s negative. It drains and depletes our energy and manifests itself in the physical body. It is scary to think how many people don’t realize the power the mind has over the body. The power within themselves to obtain and achieve whatever they want. What our true potential is. We seem to go through this life thinking that everything that we have been taught, seen, or heard is correct instead of searching for the truth ourselves. The Matrix movie is a great analogy of this. My view on things would totally blow your mind.
    Thank you for allowing me a break from reports on sub-markets, vacancy loss, and profits and losses. I like my real world job. I LOVE what I do as an advanced Reiki Jin Kei Do practitioner.



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