Friday, July 9, 2010

Learning as I go

It's early in the morning. Not much of a sleeper lately and I've been up reading. Thoughts running through my mind, as I contemplate the last 2-3 years in my life. I've caused a lot of pain in this world, and it's weighing on me. Sometimes, one must look behind themselves, and see the path that has been left. Is it a path of creating and the building up of life?...or have they left a wake of destruction and grief...heartache and pain? Without being dramatic, I can honestly say that I see both as I look behind me. Sometimes I focus on the pretty pictures that I (along with others) have painted in my past... The wonderful memories and experiences that are now counted as "the good times". As I look at the path behind me though, I unfortunately see the destruction and pain that I have caused too. As I take an inventory and try to learn from past mistakes, I am trying to look at the root of the actions that ended up causing hurt in the world...and even in the hearts of those I love and who love(d) me. The root of it all... was selfish dishonesty. I was a liar! Lying to myself, and lying to others. However, the evil spells of deception will eventually be corrected by the universe itself... :( Over the course of what I call "my awakening" (even wrote a song around it), I have been slowly shown what I have done, what I've done to myself, and what I've done to others... Life has a way of being a mirror, and revealing more of YOU to yourself, through experiences and people around us. Weather or not you choose to look at YOU, or blame others... becomes the next part. This morning I look inward, I choose to see ME, for what I am, and accept what I've done... OWN IT! Correct it, and learn from it... It's more than just saying "yep, I was wrong"... It goes deeper than that. One must get to the root of it all, to change the eventual fruit that is born. I'm learning that the roots are our thoughts...
Thoughts lead emotions; Emotions cause Actions; Actions makeup our lives.
Simple and not in anyway "groundbreaking"...yet must it be more complicated than that? Our emotions are what we notice and see most... "I'm angry, sad, or happy". That is what our emotional body is showing us, so "how I feel right now" is what is most prevalent and noticeable... Yet most of us don't take a deeper look at the roots, which are our thoughts. Emotions can be controlled through the thoughts that we choose to entertain. Our emotions can be signs that we are not being aware of our thoughts. If we "feel" a way we don't want to, then it could be taken as a warning (if we are consciously aware) that we are not controlling our thoughts enough. To be able to control the emotional body from within, instead of only reacting to external circumstances...? Is that really possible? Can we ever truly be impervious to outside influence. Maybe... But I DO wish to have more control over the way I feel this morning. I feel sorrow and regret as I recognize pain that I have caused, and I recognize that. Not sorry for me; yet sorry for those I've truly hurt. Part of change is becoming aware... not easy to have mornings like this where I am faced with decisions I've made... Not all bad, in fact some decisions I've made I am quite proud of. Yet the ones I'm NOT proud of..? Those are the ones I address this morning.
Maybe I'm writing this to just help myself mentally layout a game plan, so I don't have to feel this way anymore. Even still... I see what I've caused, I accept it, and ask forgiveness.
It could have been avoided, with better thoughts and controlled emotions... I am better for having passed through this, yet I regret that my betterment, had to come at the expense of people that I love. God, please mend what I have torn...!!!
Please forgive me...
I guess it's all part of this mortal journey of "Self Mastery"...
Self Mastery begins with thoughts. Thoughts ultimately create our lives.


  1. What’s great about this journey you are embarking on is that you’re doing it now, and not on your deathbed – I can only assume (smile). As you’ve looked back and taken stock on your actions, remember one thing; maybe you hurt others and are ashamed of how you acted, said, or did, but not only was that experience one that changed you and helped in your evolution as a person, but the other person involved also grew.

    Hopefully we all have opportunities to check ourselves and our past actions, as well as get hurt from what others have said or done to us. Harsh sounding, maybe, but, personally, I wouldn’t change any of the hurts done to me for anything. Those moments, as well as the happy and joyful ones, have made me the person I am today. In order to truly appreciate joy we need the opposite of pain. Muscles are increased as tiny tears occur and the resulting healed/repaired muscle tissues are stronger than before. Pain is necessary.

    Another thing (apparently I had two things to point out – sorry!), this process of forgiveness you are going through, remember the important “forget” part. Don’t dwell too much on it all. Yes, learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes, but if you take up permanent residence in self recrimination, you’ll remain static. God has promised us that if we fully repent He will remember our sins no more. He has promised us that he will remove our transgressions from his all-knowing and omniscient mind/knowledge, and voluntarily forget. What an incredible gift – so why would we negate that blessing by reliving and dwelling on our own faults.

    I know, sometimes this is all easier said than done, and heaven knows I’m still working on it myself, but what do we have to lose? Only our sorrow, pain, and regret. Mark Twain said, "You are as happy as you make up your mind to be." I fully agree with that, and our attitudes help determine our happiness levels. It sounds like you are taking steps to create the happiness you deserve. Good luck on your journey!

  2. Part of Christ's role in our daily lives is to show us our weaknesses so we can be eventually perfected. In Ether 12:27 Christ shows us our weaknesses so we can be made strong. That is the whole point to continually evolve and progress. Damnation doesn't mean evil it literally means "stopped of all progress". One of the Holy Ghost's role is to prompt us to repent to recognize the need to repent (which is why we feel bad). The five R's of the repentance process are kinda beautiful but most people only make it to 3 and not finish the whole process.
    As a refresher:
    1) Recognize- it's vital to recognize when you have done something wrong or wronged someone. You can't repent without this step.
    2) Remorse- it is essential that you feel bad for what you have done (not just that you got caught)Godly sorrow is more than just guilt it's a recognition of the Plan and your place in that plan and where you are falling short of where you should be. You also recognize that your sin directly contributed to Christ's suffering and that is why you need His Atonement.
    3) Restitution- within reason you have to be willing to make restitution for your sins and for harming others. Some people take this to far or for too long. If you can make something right do it, say your sorry (mean it) and ask them what they might need? You do not owe them a lifelong debt unless you have actually taken a life.
    4) Repent- you have to actually ask Christ and Heavenly Father for forgiveness and commit to forsaking the sin.
    5) Renewal- this is where you are forgiven and more importantly when you forgive yourself. This is the vital and culminating step of the repentance process it is not complete until you are here. The Lord remembers your sin "no more" so why should you?
    Sometimes we wallow in our sin and misery and do not allow ourselves to complete the process, not believing we can be made whole. That is exactly what Satan desires. We are not a Church of sackcloth and ash. The Lord doesn't ask for a life penance he ask for a contrite and humble spirit and willingness to change.
    Go through or finish the process then let it go. Awareness is key but forgiving yourself is crucial. Don't allow yourselves to stop progressing because you can't stop obsessing about the pain you caused others. When I went through the Temple at 19 I was a little obsessed with restitution (because I wanted to feel pure and worthy) and looked up, called and wrote letters to everyone I felt I had done wrong in Junior High and High School. It was a bit ridiculous. Most people didn't even remember who I was much less how I had wronged them. Only a few were actually appreciative and one particular conversation turned toxic. None of this was very helpful or productive. It taught me a huge lesson that I should have repented then at the time and dealt with it then. As far as asking forgiveness from others they can choose not to accept my apology that is their agency but I still have completed the process in sincerity. Leave something better than how you found it. Always continually work on improvement. Discover Heavenly Father's unique individual Plan for you and follow it. This is how you progress and become the Instrument he wants you to be. This is the Plan to our personal happiness and gaining control of our thoughts and emotions.
    Forgive yourself, let go, be happy... Cheers Jennifer

  3. Wow.... I am very grateful for you that follow and contribute with your wonderful comments. These comments have been well thought out, well written, and and WELL received! I thank you, and please keep 'em coming.

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