Tuesday, March 4, 2014

LOVE them into the shift you wish to see!

'Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have"... 

That was a quote I heard a few months ago, and it has stuck with me.  It's interesting as we hear things that we need to hear, they resonate because of where we are in our lives at the time.  I was going through some things and was reminded that we all love in our own ways, with our own flare and flavor.  Due to so many things in our past...experiences, how those who raised us showed (or didn't show) us love, movies that we watch, songs that we listen to, and relationships that we've had.  How can all of those completely different backgrounds and paths we've all walked, produce the same perception of what Love is, and what Love is not?  It's impossible!!  ...and then there' Hollywood's version of what love is and is not.  Doesn't it change depending on what movie we are watching?

You see all these quotes that come though social media posted by those around us... "To love someone fully, is to 100% accept them, imperfections and all!"...we hear that, nod our heads and agree, and some even "LIKE" the comment, but then return to our own relationships with a bag of complaints,  and have a problem with the way someone loves (or doesn't) us.

If a person is complaining and fighting me all day about what I'm not doing or not being.., and I rarely (if ever) hear what is wonderful about me, or thanked for that which I am...  NOBODY wants to be around that!  Consequently, I (personally) tend to not want to give at all, and I (personally) tend to withdraw and therefore give less and less;.. or I tend to give resentfully, because that which is being given, isn't received in the space of gratitude, and "never enough". 

When do couples cross that destructive point where they go from..."thank you for _____"! to "why haven't, or didn't, you _____"?  That point that a couple crosses where it's no longer ok to love a certain way, but it turns into "...you are not meeting my needs, so love me the way I want to be loved."  The destructive bridge that I'm referencing is when the light of gratitude goes away, and the world of expectation enters... "Thank you for calling"...  to "Why haven't you called"?

Remember... "That which receives energy grows!"

Once you focus on what it is NOT, instead of what it IS... THAT is the beginning of the end!

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting to better your relationship, and discuss what improvements could be made...but it MUST be done in the right way.  Try beginning those discussions with gratitude.  Thankful hearts for what the other IS, and then discuss what improvements could be made.  This requires a level head and a conscious effort to not react, but to graciously discuss ways to take your relationship to new heights.  Knowing that I (personally) am loved for that which I AM, makes me want to be and give so much more!

If you love someone...don't try to change them!!..  Love and accept them for who they are, what they want, and the way they love you.  Be grateful!  They should show you the same in return! ... yet if you want to see change in your relationship (there is a difference between trying to change someone and trying to change your relationship with them) ...  LOVE them into the shift you wish to see!  DON'T try to fight them into that shift... You will only be met with resistance. 

We all love in different ways...and just because it's different than they way you do things, doesn't mean it's wrong, it means it's just different...and THAT"S OK!

I invite your thoughts...


  1. That is a great take on loving those around you, whether it be friends, family, significant other. I just got back to reading "The Five Love Languages" again and thinking about conversations I've had with friends about this topic. I think that people often 'speak' their own 'love language' to others and that can be a part of what makes things rocky in relationships. For example, if one persons love language is hearing words of affirmation but their significant other (or friend, whatever) responds better to acts of kindness(help with cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc.) they may not have as much appreciation for each other. But if they learn to love each other in the way the other person responds their relationship can become so strong.
    Love reading your blogs!

  2. This was an abruptly gentle slap in the face for me. I have been loving some people into some shifts, but for whatever reason had never considered doing it within a relationship. Probably because it's easier to do it for the people I know I don't have to spend the rest of my life with. It's easy to turn on and off for periods of time, but to do it all the time may have required a significant amount of energy in some of my relationships. Clearly, energy I wasn't willing to spend. However, now that I have found someone I can see a future with, this post has reflected back to me some areas I can look at with a new perspective on how to facilitate growth, appreciation and acceptance rather than change. Thank you.

  3. PART 1/3 - Maryse CANOVAS

    Hello Matthew ! First of all, thank you again for sharing your emotions and your feelings with us ! I still enjoy reading you and think about the topics on which you allow us to testify.

    What you wrote , I was reminded in memory against which there is a few more years , I tried to fight .
    To thirty years, I was in a dead psychologically , because I felt in my heart two contradictory trends and anchored . On the one hand , a desire to symbiosis with each other , a search for warmth and softness , a desire to tender and intimate contact. On the other hand , a permanent terrible anger that rises to the surface from time to time and would destroy any experience full of love . I must admit that the two actually were part of me, but I did not know which direction to go. I took martial arts, and I asked around me why people who seemed to like me loved me. I did not want to neglect any of these truths in me. And I wanted out of my confusion.

    Fifteen years later, in retrospect , studies in psychology, graphology and psychoanalysis , but especially having found faith in God that I had lost and I had abandoned in favor vain truths zen, I understood many things about myself and tolerance towards others and respect their differences.
    When you are more confident in his emotional experience , can tolerate remain unknown even in front of the other . For example, we do not understand why we feel this intense anger, we do not know what drives us to want to massively reject the other or a specific behavior that was , but we accept and react . It is a blind acceptance based on the belief that we have a " good reason " inner respond well A little later , staying in contact with our experience, we finally understand ...

  4. PART 2/3 - Maryse CANOVAS

    I learned not to be confused LOVE and EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY :
    I loved a man when he became the center of my life . I always aivais lest he think I love him too much and he is dependent on me . I do not want him to think I was going to hang me because I could not live without him . I camouflais just my attachment and sometimes it gave rise to difficult situations , ambivalent , blowing hot and cold ... But in fact, what I feared above all was to be abandoned a day ...
    In fact everything is to the extent and in the balance !
    Consider an example in nature: the plant needs water . The quality of their lives and even survival depend on this element. The medium through which the water reaches it is secondary as long as the water is of sufficient quality and be delivered at the appropriate time . ( A too abundant watering is harmful. ) . The water comes from rain, gardener or an irrigation system changes nothing for the welfare of the plant.

    It is the same emotional needs . They must be sufficiently satisfied to ensure our survival and our psychic development.

    I wondered : "Is he a difference between attach and hang ? "
    Cling is to take the other as a buoy. We rely on him and count on him to take in hand, for example, our emotional life.

  5. PART 3/3 - Maryse CANOVAS

    Cling is the manifestation of the refusal to take responsibility for our needs.

    This is a RESISTANCE manifested through two aspects :

    • Building on the GUILT other to get support .
    It is suggested that it is responsible for our satisfaction, our happiness or well-being him. We can rely on him passively : he guesses expect our needs, our preferences, our desires, our frustrations. We can pity and lifeless if it does not pay enough attention to us . We can also do a more active way : by multiplying the blame , making specific requests that we do not give him a real choice to meet ...

    • not letting the other FREEDOM to say "no."
    They refuse and the negative response of the other is denied . It acts as if it had no right to refuse to respond to our needs. It torments , harasses or the threat ( this can go up to the threat of suicide) . He was charged with all sorts of ways he has the nerve to not love us enough or not we like it. The cinema has often exploited the theme of the abandoned lover who takes revenge . Newspapers report we matrimonial scenes of horror : the husband who murdered wife who left him . There are less extreme versions but ilk : that which does not accept the divorce and that charges during his lifetime , the spouse who dared disturb his life by ceasing to love .

    FAITH WITH REGARD and diffferent ON OTHER THROUGH THE DIVINE LAWS , we manage to coach yourself to keep a check towards the feelings of others ;
    The people with whom we can fill these needs are many and very diverse ... manifested qualities . So there may be several sources of satisfaction for all our needs. In fact , although it may seem shocking , no one is really essential to the survival or even the happiness of another .
    But often it is our ability to tolerate the rejection he must work if it is too difficult to express our needs and take their satisfaction initiatives. It is possible and even necessary to get to live the rejection without being demolished. This is one of the obstacles that we must learn to overcome if we want to continue to grow and flourish.

    Thank you for sharing , Matt!

    Maryse CANOVAS ( Psycho - Graphologue ) FR

  6. Matt, I really like this post, its my new favorite.
    I have found these things to be very true for me, too.

    Recently I was involved with a group of friends that met once or twice per week, just to have a good time and enjoy each other... It was a challenge sometimes because in a setting like this you really need to be able to lay down your own ideals, needs, interests, beliefs... and just be able to love and accept the people you're with. There were many times where love was given and received, but then also many times where hurt was given (usually unintentionally) and received, throughout the group.
    I would say that the hardest part for me was seeing some of us being willing to love and just be truly accepting of others, but then to have others not be willing to do the same in return. It seemed with those particular people, that it didn't matter how hard you tried or how much love you gave, you were just not coming through for them and you could not bless them or please them.
    I, personally, felt like I was giving so much time and effort and love, but was being told I was not loving. The relationship with this one particular family had me feeling as though I was walking on egg shells with every move I made. I no longer felt like myself around them, I felt fake. The relationship no longer felt comfortable or healthy.
    Through this experience, I learned that, we can always choose to push through and to love in a way we may have never loved before. We can be accepting of them, and we can hope they will accept our love, and see our effort...Making sacrifices we never imagined we would have to make... But if someone refuses to accept your love, no amount of effort on your part can change that. Maybe some people have just been so hurt that love scares them?

    I think that what you just illustrated with your words in this post, is the best way to explain what a healthy, balanced approach to a relationship would look like. With friendships, this is an area that I'm trying to grow in. The part I haven't quite figured out yet, is how to know when, if ever, it's time to throw in the towel. That hasn't usually been something I've been willing to do. But sometimes, for your own well-being, I think it might be necessary.

    Love you Matt -

  7. I have read and reread this post countless times. Every time it elicits different thoughts and responses. It’s a subject I hear about frequently from friends and family members. No one wants to hear that they are failing at something so simple as to show love and affection. That is something that should come easy, right? Yet it is probably the most complex emotion to display in a way that another human being can understand it. We are too influenced by outside forces (family, friends, media) as to what love should look like or feel like. Do most of us even love ourselves enough to accept love as well as to give love? So where does this expectation of love come from? Expectation happens when you start to define who you are to another person. I will use myself as an example.
    I dated a man for several years. We had our fair share of ups and downs. For months I felt like something wasn’t quite right. I have a habit of being introspective at times and wanted some time and space to think. Not about what was wrong with our relationship or wrong with us as individuals, but about why certain things were important to me. It took me two months to decide that I what I thought I wanted was only what society says is “normal”, what my family or friends thought I should want, or what I was “taught” I should want . What really got me was, when did I start to care about what other people thought? I had never really cared before. I am certainly not going to continue. I am who I am. I am kind, honest, I see the good in others, and I love with all my being. If someone doesn’t like me or think that my decisions for myself aren’t right, they can move along. So, where did that leave the guy I was dating during this time…the friend zone. We had more fun, enjoyed each others company more, appreciated each other more, our relationship was awesome. Then we made a fatal mistake. We started dating again, the expectations returned. Lesson learned: expect respect, kindness, honesty, and fidelity. Do not expect someone to do certain things or to be a certain way. To answers someone’s question about when to end a relationship. When you start to make excuses for them and their behavior and it changes who you are in a negative way.

  8. An excellent reminder! I have people in my life who want me to be "different" than I am, not meaning to they with hold love and acceptance because they don't understand who I am and why I've become what I am, it hurts. It has also reminded me that I need to accept people for who they are and love them whether they change or not. This post brought out some pretty raw emotions for me... I guess that means I'm healing? I am more determined than ever to NOT be that way. Thank you for this post.

  9. A follow up thought. Might not want to post.
    What I have a difficult time understanding is how we have become so consumed in things without merit. We care entirely too much about what people look like on the outside instead of what is within. I was recently speaking to a male friend of mine who thought he was “in love” with the girl he was seeing. Out of curiosity I asked why he thought that he was in love. His answer made me laugh out loud and shoot him a shocked look at the same time. Sex. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Because the sex was good he thought he was in love. I was surprised that someone that is older than I am could believe such an absurd thing. Wanting to be supportive and the voice of reason I asked him to bring her by sometime. I have learned to read people rather well. I met her for ten minutes. Later I spoke with him and being as tactfully as I could to let him know that she was cheating on him. I wanted him to proceed with caution. Later that evening I received a text from him saying he actually caught her cheating. Two months later the same girl had gotten him fired from his job. He is seeing someone new and tells me that this girl is the one and he is going to marry her. I HAD to ask why. He tells me she has been great during all of the trouble from the last girlfriend. She is supportive and loyal. Cue eye rolling, I tell him if he is looking for loyalty and support he should get a dog. It didn’t occur to him that he is going through an emotional time and that his logic and reason in making good decisions could be compromised. Not to mention that she is going through a divorce. What happens when the emotional crisis is over? The will stay together because of that one moment when they needed someone the other was there. Is that a solid foundation?
    Why is it that in today’s society we have sex so casually and call it love? I find that I am repeating myself amongst my friends. “It harder to find someone that can express love that way you understand it. You can make anyone awesome in the bedroom with open communication, honesty, and by checking your inhibitions at the door.” We are building relationships on a very rocky foundation when we blur the lines of love and sex.
    I agree that you should love someone into the shift you want to see instead of “forcing” it, but often ego, pride, and insecurities will always rear their ugly heads. Yours did at least for a minute…just being honest here. You were hurt that your best wasn’t enough. Was that your pride, ego, or an insecurity?
    To make a great relationship you need two people who know who they are individually. How do you know who the right person is? That’s unique to each person. For me personally it’s a matter of Chi. My energy will know theirs.

  10. I keep coming back to this, Matt. Every day, since the first day I've read it, and I get more out of it each time. There is just so much to be learned on this topic.

    You know, I was thinking about you this morning, and realizing you have done well as speaker, actor, blogger, musician, and other things... Have you ever considered adding 'author' to that list? You are an impeccable writer, I bet it would come very natural for you. I'm positive you are better at it than you even realize. I think you have great potential. Maybe you should think about it :)


  11. PersonalPurification, you make a good point. Thinking that Good sex means you are in love, would be like me climbing into a little old Geo Metro and comparing it to my X5 mom-car. They are not even similar, they have nothing to do with each other. The difference is night and day. Take those porn sex videos for example, (sorry Matt, your blog has now become 'dirty' ;) ) Many people spend loads of waking hours wishing they had sex like that, but the reality is that those people in those videos have never even met each other until that day. There is no love there. Yet these people think that if they could just experience that which is in those videos, they would feel loved. You can have sex without love, and you can have love without sex. A meaningful relationship would hopefully have both, but basing your happiness upon either one is a train wreck waiting to happen. You mention pride, insecurities, ego... I believe all of those are rooted in discontentment. And any time someone opens the door to discontentment, depression inevitably follows. We need to choose happiness regardless of our life or circumstances, And we need to choose to love in the best way we can, regardless of another's performance. Of course, I realize that not everyone has a significant other or many people in their lives to love - In which case... I recommend getting an X5. I promise you will 'Love' it :) Thankfully, I have been blessed with both.


  12. Well put Kate. It’s funny that people will associate happiness with. My mother had come to town just as I had started dating someone new and wanted to meet him. I was hesitant but she insisted “just in case it got serious”. It made me laugh at how little she actually knows about me. The look on her face was priceless when I told her I refuse to start a serious relationship until I am debt free. Of course she thinks it would take forever to do. It’s more like 3 years. Anyway. Two months later she asks me if I am still seeing him. When I tell her no she is disappointed and tells me that she doesn’t want me to be ALONE and UNHAPPY. For the record, I chose to be single AND I AM happy. I don’t feel that having a man in my life is a necessity. Would it be nice, sure. I just haven’t met the right one yet. Relationships are like accessories. They complement who you are not define who you are or your happiness. I found myself explaining to her that he kept pushing to develop a physically intimate relationship. Personally I feel that we give into instant gratification to easily. We want what we want and we want it NOW instead of letting things take their natural course. This guy thought I was going too slow. “You don’t passionately kiss me” he says. For the love of me I couldn’t help myself. I look him in the eye and say “when I kiss you, really kiss you, there will be no coming back from that. You will feel it in every cell of your body. I am talking lightheaded feeling and mind numbing. You aren’t ready for that and I don’t give it away freely.” I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, I just know what is right for me.
    Kate, thanks for the recommendation on the X5 but I am more of a 1968 Dodge Charger RT Hemi girl. At least that’s what I imagine I am in while driving my Honda Odyssey rocking out to Disney songs. I will get my Charger eventually.
    This reminds me of the song Save Yourself by Sense Field.

  13. How do you love them into the shift after you caught them cheating ?

    1. You don’t. That’s when your love YOURSELF into the shift you wish to see. That’s when you get to see the strong beautiful person you truly are.

    2. Incredible response. That is when you discover what you are made of. Looking at the dates these posts were made-life was swirling around me, but my Heavenly Father placed His peace over me and my children. We not only survived, we have thrived. His grace is sufficient each day and whatever we face it the future, we can stand on the strength He has given us, even remind Him of what He has done. Although I absolutely believe in a family staying together-I am thankful for the life lessons my three blessings and I have experienced. We have a better understanding of what we are made of.

  14. Love all of your thoughts! And your work in the film industry! Keep up the fantastic work! Thanks!

  15. This was very interesting to read! The only one that can show us perfect love, is God. Why?? Because He is perfect, and He is love, and He knows everything we have ever been through, and experienced. He knows what we need better then what we think we need. After all, He created us! True love is not selfish. When we are loving someone, it should never be for what we want or what we can get out of the relationship. The word love is used to freely today. This is what love is all about. 4 "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 Wow. Can you imagine living out this kind of love?? Or being married to a man/women who would love you this way?? Love you unconditionally?? There is only one person who can love you like that, and that is God. So, as long as we are living here on earth, and we are all imperfect, let's learn to love unselfishly!!



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